You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
