I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
