Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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