Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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