I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
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