I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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