I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize