Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Randomize
