I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
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