The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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