Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
