Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
