i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
