u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
