I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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