I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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