I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
bring money and cleavage
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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