You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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