I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
So squirting runs in the family.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
