Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize