that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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