I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
