i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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