i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
