you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
