Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
