I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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