I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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