Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize