Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
