My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I could make wine with my vomit
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Randomize
