Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
