ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I can't trust your balls anymore.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
