Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
