I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
