Ambien. No doubt about it.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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