Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
