I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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