either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
