He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Boobs are out for the taking
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
