Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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