Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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