Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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