Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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