I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
