Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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