she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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