wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
you never un-have a 4some
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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