The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
