When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
