Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
