I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
