I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
