The maid of honor just puked.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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