She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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