Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
