Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
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