I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
