So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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